Thread: good laugh
01-30-2007, 10:39 PM #1
you can move this is if you like....
Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired. Mrs. Fenton insists that Mr. go with her
to Wal-Mart. He quickly grows bored with all the shopping. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse.
Here's a copy of a letter recently sent to her by the store:
Dear Mrs. Fenton:
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate his behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We
have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.
Disturbances caused by Mr. Bill Fenton while his spouse was shopping in Wal-Mart:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares... and watched what happened.
5. Aug. 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. Sept. 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Sept. 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'd bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. Sept. 23: When a clerk asks if he needs help, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. Oct. 4: Looked right into the security camera, used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. Nov. 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk where to find the antidepressants.
11. Dec. 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. Dec. 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. Dec. 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. Dec. 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed, "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"
And last, but not least . . .
15. Dec 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Help me! There's no toilet paper in here!"
Last edited by BUNNYMAN; 01-30-2007 at 10:44 PM.I cut things up and split them down!
01-30-2007, 10:43 PM #2
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she
showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him
to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young
minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated,
of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and
scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of
water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of
him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said,
"I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through
the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the
ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet
and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I
haven't had the flu all winter?"I cut things up and split them down!
01-30-2007, 10:58 PM #3
Never Argue with a Woman
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma ' am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.I cut things up and split them down!
01-30-2007, 11:08 PM #4
There have been a couple of generations in the last sixty years that have missed the boat, but this group isn't one of them.
A first grade school teacher in Virginia had twenty-five students in her class.
She presented each child in her classroom the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders.
Their insight may surprise you.
While reading, keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
1. Don't change horses.........................until they stop running.
2. Strike while the..............................bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before.................Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of .......termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but ..... how?
6. Don't bite the hand that ................looks dirty.
7. No news is.....................................impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a ................... Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new ..... math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ....stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust ........................... me.
12. The pen is mightier than the .........pigs.
13. An idle mind is.............................the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's .........pollution.
15. Happy the bride who......................gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is ......................not much
17. Two's company, three's ........... the Musketeers
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what .... you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and..... you
Have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as ......... Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not .spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed ......... get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you .. see in the picture on the
24. When the blind lead the blind ..... get out of the way.
And the WINNER and last one!
25. Better late than................................... pregnantI cut things up and split them down!
01-30-2007, 11:13 PM #5
A. The number of physicians in the U.S. today is approx. 700,000.
B Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year is 120,000.
C. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171 (U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services).
THINK ABOUT THIS:
A. The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000 (yes, eighty million).
B. The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is 1,500.
C. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0000188.
Statistically, doctors are about 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS A DOCTOR.
Alert your friends to this threat. We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand.
As a public health measure, I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear that the shock could cause people to seek medical attention.
01-30-2007, 11:18 PM #6
Best Joke of the year?
In the words of Yakov Smirnoff.. "America, what a country!"
A Somali arrives in Minneapolis, a new immigrant to the United
States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street
and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country,
giving me housing, food stamps, FREE medical care and free
education in my language!" The passer-by says, "You are mistaken, I
am Mexican". The man goes on and encounters another passer-by.
"Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!" The person says, "I no American, I Vietnamese."The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America!" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from middle East, I am not an American!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?" She
says, "No, I am from Russia!"
Puzzled he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The Russian lady checks her watch and says... "Probably at work!"I cut things up and split them down!
01-30-2007, 11:22 PM #7
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Troubled User.. (KEEP READING)
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
01-30-2007, 11:23 PM #8
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I Clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, Perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly Dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his Wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth s hut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar
Detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar Detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took It off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
I love this part....
"Only when he's been drinking."I cut things up and split them down!
01-30-2007, 11:26 PM #9
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his man area were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence: "Get well quick . . . from the nurse you gave a ticket to last weekI cut things up and split them down!
01-30-2007, 11:33 PM #10
HILLARY'S FIRST NIGHT AS PRESIDENTin January 2009
Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her
first night in the White House. She has waited so long......
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says,
"How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
"Listen to the people."
"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
"Go to the theater."I cut things up and split them down!
01-30-2007, 11:35 PM #11
01-30-2007, 11:36 PM #12
for the ladies version.....
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance --particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System, please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.HTML" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).
Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
TechI cut things up and split them down!
01-30-2007, 11:40 PM #13
01-30-2007, 11:43 PM #14
its kinda late for christmas......I cut things up and split them down!
01-30-2007, 11:43 PM #15
01-30-2007, 11:47 PM #16
it has deer in it.....I cut things up and split them down!
01-30-2007, 11:47 PM #17
01-30-2007, 11:48 PM #18
more deerI cut things up and split them down!
01-30-2007, 11:49 PM #19
oh boy....I cut things up and split them down!
01-30-2007, 11:49 PM #20
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