It is hard to come to grips with the end of everthing I have experienced in the last 6 years. MY family is gone, I feel like my life is gone, if a man cant keep his family together he is NOTHING, I am NOTHING. Why do people have to be so blind to think that a happy future is always a possibilty. The future is a dream that only the lucky experience because it is looked forward to. I have no desire to look forward to my own future. My life from now as it has been since my son was born, will be lived for my children. I will now let my children guide my future as they are what matters most in this world. I am surrounded by people that love me, friends that ARE family to me and I still have no desire to seek what I ever wanted anymore. I am a waste of a soul, that is empty. I am losing what has meant more to me than my own life whether I chose to show it or not. If I am to have a life from now on I hope it will be a life of happiness lived through my childrens dreams and aspirations. If they succeed in life it will be because I taught them well, if they fail it will be because I have failed them and I have NO intentions to fail. My only wish is that I find the wisdom to raise them the way that they should have been raised in a loving family enviornment. I will now become daddy and mommy when the official day comes that Terra walks out that door to explore what she really wants. I pray to god that she will keep my children safe when I cant be there to protect them or her. I dont know how to deal with this, I am scared to death. At this point in time it is the anticipation of ,when will all this will take place and how will I be when my children walk out of this home completely unknowing of what is actually happening, to them, to their future to their stability they had with me here. I will ALWAYS say that family is worth fighting for but it is impossible to win the battle when it is a single sided fight. I am now at war with my mind until all is said and done, I just hope everything I believe of in myself will be enough to allow some kind of mental solace. I have NEVER felt so lost in my entire my life. I have dealt with death, dying, depression, loss, sorrow, sadness but NOTHING compares to this feeling I have within me, the feeling of I could not be a strong enough man to keep my family together. If that is what my destiny is I might as well just keep what I have in my life and not try to strive for anything more, theres no point. I will work, I will come home to an empty house days out of the week and the ONLY thing I will have to look forward to is when I can see my children next, until then I will be an empty soul who lives the rest of my days out for the time spent with my children. That is the only peace I will ask for, that the time spent with my children will bring me back to who I once was and MAYBE search for what is missing. Until then :'''-(