Today 6-6-07 will be the last day I spend with what I called my family for 6 years. Tomorrow morning I will wake up and get ready for work and know I will not see my children after I get out of the car for 2 months. They are going to my parents house in NY tomorrow and I will miss them beyond belief more than anyone could ever comprehend :''''-( the saddest part about it is when they return they will return to a life that they will not know or understand and I dont know how they will deal with that. It seems like I learn new things about Terra everyday that I just have no desire to know. I have tried so hard to be what is considered a "MAN" and I feel like there is no one out there that can make me be who I am. What the hell is wrong with people today, I would NEVER choose another woman over my own flesh and blood. EVERYONE says that I will prevail and I will meet someone WORTH being with and WORTH loving and that they will love me because of the man that I am, I just wish I could find that in my own self and within my own heart. No more Christmas's No more Easters, No more holidays with the "family" as I know it. I have worked,bled,shed tears,taken PAAAAAAAAAIN mentally and emotionally for the benefit of my family. Maybe I am not destined to be with anyone, maybe I dont deserve happiness, Maybe I really am a failure. The ONLY thing I do right is take care of my children and that should be the most important thing. My mother used to tell me that I will end up old and alone maybe she was right. I want EVERYONE who reads my blogs to KNOW & UNDERSTAND that ANYTHING you do to someone WILL come back to haunt you 10 fold I know this from personal experience and I AMMMMM living it as I type this blog except I feel it is 100000 fold. I try to ask myself what have I done to deserve this terrible pain and sorrow that I feel. I NEVER told someone I loved them if I didnt mean it. I have dated girls with kids and I treated them as if they were my own NEVER EVER ONCE trying to replace their real father yet I still wasnt good enough. What have I done to deserve this punishment? Life of agony wrote in one of their songs Ugly

Well I was bound to have a nervous breakdown
Should've seen it coming from miles away
So I packed my bags and started running
My brains been shaking since yesterday
But there's only so far that you can run boy
There's only so far to leave your problems behind
'cause when the problem's yourself you start thinking
No matter how far
You'll never leave it behind

MAYBE I am the problem, MAYBE it has been me all along, MAYBE I dont deserve to have more than what I already have. Maybe I have no destiny. What I do have is MY children and I am so torn to the fact that, that is not enough of a driving factor for me to see light at the end of the tunnel. It feels terrible to feel like I am having my midlife crisis at 29 years old. People tell me I should look at this as a new beginning but IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII have to see that for myself, IIIIIIIIIII have to feel that in my heart. NO ONE can make me see it or feel it but me. I MISS MY BABIES SO MUCH AND THEY HAVENT EVEN LEFT YET!