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Old 01-30-2007, 08:39 PM   #1
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you can move this is if you like....


Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired. Mrs. Fenton insists that Mr. go with her
to Wal-Mart. He quickly grows bored with all the shopping. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse.

Here's a copy of a letter recently sent to her by the store:

Dear Mrs. Fenton:
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate his behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We
have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.

Disturbances caused by Mr. Bill Fenton while his spouse was shopping in Wal-Mart:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares... and watched what happened.
5. Aug. 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. Sept. 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Sept. 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'd bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. Sept. 23: When a clerk asks if he needs help, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. Oct. 4: Looked right into the security camera, used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. Nov. 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk where to find the antidepressants.
11. Dec. 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. Dec. 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. Dec. 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. Dec. 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed, "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

And last, but not least . . .

15. Dec 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Help me! There's no toilet paper in here!"
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Old 01-30-2007, 08:43 PM   #2
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heres another.....

The Organist


Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she
showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him
to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young
minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated,
of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and
scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of
water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of
him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said,
"I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through
the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the
ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet
and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I
haven't had the flu all winter?"
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Old 01-30-2007, 08:58 PM   #3
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Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma ' am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
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Old 01-30-2007, 09:08 PM   #4
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There have been a couple of generations in the last sixty years that have missed the boat, but this group isn't one of them.

A first grade school teacher in Virginia had twenty-five students in her class.

She presented each child in her classroom the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders.

Their insight may surprise you.

While reading, keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1. Don't change horses.........................until they stop running.
2. Strike while the..............................bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before.................Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of .......termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but ..... how?
6. Don't bite the hand that ................looks dirty.
7. No news is.....................................impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a ................... Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new ..... math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ....stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust ........................... me.
12. The pen is mightier than the .........pigs.
13. An idle mind is.............................the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's .........pollution.
15. Happy the bride who......................gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is ......................not much
17. Two's company, three's ........... the Musketeers
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what .... you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and..... you
Have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as ......... Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not .spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed ......... get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you .. see in the picture on the
box.
24. When the blind lead the blind ..... get out of the way.

And the WINNER and last one!

25. Better late than................................... pregnant
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Old 01-30-2007, 09:13 PM   #5
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STATISTICS:
A. The number of physicians in the U.S. today is approx. 700,000.

B Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year is 120,000.

C. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171 (U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services).

THINK ABOUT THIS:

A. The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000 (yes, eighty million).
B. The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is 1,500.
C. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0000188.

Statistically, doctors are about 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

FACT:

NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS A DOCTOR.

Alert your friends to this threat. We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand.

As a public health measure, I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear that the shock could cause people to seek medical attention.
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Old 01-30-2007, 09:18 PM   #6
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Best Joke of the year?

In the words of Yakov Smirnoff.. "America, what a country!"


A Somali arrives in Minneapolis, a new immigrant to the United
States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street
and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country,
giving me housing, food stamps, FREE medical care and free
education in my language!" The passer-by says, "You are mistaken, I
am Mexican". The man goes on and encounters another passer-by.
"Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!" The person says, "I no American, I Vietnamese."The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America!" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from middle East, I am not an American!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?" She
says, "No, I am from Russia!"
Puzzled he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"



The Russian lady checks her watch and says... "Probably at work!"
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Old 01-30-2007, 09:22 PM   #7
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Dear Tech Support:


Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User.. (KEEP READING)

_____________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.





Best of luck,


Tech Support
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Old 01-30-2007, 09:23 PM   #8
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A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I Clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, Perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly Dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his Wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth s hut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar
Detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar Detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took It off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
I love this part....

"Only when he's been drinking."
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Old 01-30-2007, 09:26 PM   #9
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A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his man area were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence: "Get well quick . . . from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week
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Old 01-30-2007, 09:33 PM   #10
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HILLARY'S FIRST NIGHT AS PRESIDENTin January 2009

Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her
first night in the White House. She has waited so long......
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says,
"How can I best serve my country?"

Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says,

"Listen to the people."
"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says,

"Go to the theater."
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Old 01-30-2007, 09:35 PM   #11
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Safety first...
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Old 01-30-2007, 09:36 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by brokenarrow View Post
Dear Tech Support:


Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User.. (KEEP READING)

_____________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.





Best of luck,


Tech Support

for the ladies version.....

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance --particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?


Signed,

Desperate

--------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System, please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.HTML" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech
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Old 01-30-2007, 09:40 PM   #13
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Ole' slick Willie...
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Old 01-30-2007, 09:43 PM   #14
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its kinda late for christmas......
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Old 01-30-2007, 09:43 PM   #15
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Take this PETA...
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Old 01-30-2007, 09:47 PM   #16
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it has deer in it.....
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Old 01-30-2007, 09:47 PM   #17
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It Finally happened...
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Old 01-30-2007, 09:48 PM   #18
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more deer
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Old 01-30-2007, 09:49 PM   #19
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oh boy....
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Old 01-30-2007, 09:49 PM   #20
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Here's the score...
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Old 01-30-2007, 09:50 PM   #21
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hope you guys are getting a laugh out of these.....
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Old 01-30-2007, 09:52 PM   #22
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For sale polish revolver...only used once...
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Old 01-30-2007, 09:52 PM   #23
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the last one for a while.....
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Old 01-30-2007, 09:52 PM   #24
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For sale polish revolver...only used once...
hey this needs to go in classifieds.....
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Old 01-30-2007, 09:55 PM   #25
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Oh My Lord...
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Old 01-30-2007, 09:58 PM   #26
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Did ya ever???
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Old 01-30-2007, 10:03 PM   #27
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CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED
1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and
Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna
Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the kitty
- can I have a chocolate - why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells , Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...
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Old 01-30-2007, 10:08 PM   #28
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Nursery Rhymes - for Big Kids



Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard .



MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.



JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.



SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb #$%!"


HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.


HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.


GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.



There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
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Old 01-30-2007, 10:38 PM   #29
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lmao good stuff here guys, i love the truck one with the pic on the side....omg that guys got some nerv driving that thing around........
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Old 01-30-2007, 11:09 PM   #30
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BOWMAN View Post
HILLARY'S FIRST NIGHT AS PRESIDENTin January 2009

Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her
first night in the White House. She has waited so long......
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says,
"How can I best serve my country?"

Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says,

"Listen to the people."
"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says,

"Go to the theater."
Oh how true. I was able to read this one and a few others.
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Old 01-30-2007, 11:17 PM   #31
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Billy Bob and John are driving down the backroads in the middle of knowhere in Tennessee and they come upon this sheep with it's head stuck in the fence. Well they both decide that they need to help this sheep. John gets out and walks down by the sheep and starts thinking this sheep doesn't look too bad. So with the sheep's head stuck in the fence he pulls his pants down and starts going to town on the sheep. After a few minutes he looks up at Billy Bob and tells him to come on down, this is some pretty good stuff. So Billy Bob walks down and sticks his head in the fence.
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Old 01-31-2007, 10:17 AM   #32
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STATE OF NEW YORK

Department of Motor Vehicles




One Harriman Plaza Albany, New York

Date: September 15, 2006

To: All Owners of Motor Vehicles Registered in the State of New York
All New York Dealers of New and Used Motor Vehicles
All New York Law Enforcement Personnel


From: Gerald M. Mazzo

Re: Amendment to HRVM 265:114A (Section 2)

Effective January 1, 2007, all motor vehicles sold in New York State will be required to have a headlight dimmer switch mounted on the floorboard of the vehicle. The dimmer switch must be mounted in a position to allow operation by pressing the switch with the left foot. The switch must be located far enough from the foot pedals to avoid inadvertent operation of the foot pedals.

Effective March 1, 2007, all motor vehicles with steering column mounted dimmer switches must be retro-fitted with a floorboard mounted dimmer switch of the type described above. Owners of registered motor vehicles who fail to comply with the requirements shall be subject to a maximum fine of $100.00.

Effective March 1, 2007, lack of compliance will be reason for failure of the annual New York State Motor Vehicle Safety Inspection.

It is recognized that this requirement will cause some hardship for the motoring public. However, this amendment was enacted in the interest of public safety. A 1993 study conducted by the New York State Registry of Motor Vehicles entitled: Initiation Sequence to New York State Nighttime Highway Traffic Accidents, revealed that 93% of all New York State nighttime highway accidents are caused by polish drivers who get their foot caught in the steering wheel while attempting to operate the headlight dimmer switch. It is hoped that relocating the dimmer switch to the floorboard will result in a decrease of such accidents

Thank you for your anticipated cooperation in this matter.
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Old 01-31-2007, 09:34 PM   #33
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Quote:
Originally Posted by brokenarrow View Post
STATE OF NEW YORK

Department of Motor Vehicles




One Harriman Plaza Albany, New York

Date: September 15, 2006

To: All Owners of Motor Vehicles Registered in the State of New York
All New York Dealers of New and Used Motor Vehicles
All New York Law Enforcement Personnel


From: Gerald M. Mazzo

Re: Amendment to HRVM 265:114A (Section 2)

Effective January 1, 2007, all motor vehicles sold in New York State will be required to have a headlight dimmer switch mounted on the floorboard of the vehicle. The dimmer switch must be mounted in a position to allow operation by pressing the switch with the left foot. The switch must be located far enough from the foot pedals to avoid inadvertent operation of the foot pedals.

Effective March 1, 2007, all motor vehicles with steering column mounted dimmer switches must be retro-fitted with a floorboard mounted dimmer switch of the type described above. Owners of registered motor vehicles who fail to comply with the requirements shall be subject to a maximum fine of $100.00.

Effective March 1, 2007, lack of compliance will be reason for failure of the annual New York State Motor Vehicle Safety Inspection.

It is recognized that this requirement will cause some hardship for the motoring public. However, this amendment was enacted in the interest of public safety. A 1993 study conducted by the New York State Registry of Motor Vehicles entitled: Initiation Sequence to New York State Nighttime Highway Traffic Accidents, revealed that 93% of all New York State nighttime highway accidents are caused by polish drivers who get their foot caught in the steering wheel while attempting to operate the headlight dimmer switch. It is hoped that relocating the dimmer switch to the floorboard will result in a decrease of such accidents

Thank you for your anticipated cooperation in this matter.
you acctually had me going there for a second....forgot this was the funny thread.....
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Old 01-31-2007, 09:45 PM   #34
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BOWMAN View Post
you acctually had me going there for a second....forgot this was the funny thread.....
The first time I read it, it had me going too...
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Old 02-01-2007, 08:37 AM   #35
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Hint: You don't need a background check to buy one of them...
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File Type: jpg guesswhich-inline.jpg (15.6 KB, 58 views)
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Old 02-01-2007, 05:43 PM   #36
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Mark, a loving husband, was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and
his wife was really ticked off at him. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I
expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds
flat, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning, Mark got up really early before work. When his wife woke up a
couple of hours later, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a
small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the
wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and took the box into the
house.

She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Mark is not yet able to have visitors....
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Old 02-01-2007, 05:46 PM   #37
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Subject: Menopause jewelry


My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big
****** red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
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Old 02-01-2007, 11:14 PM   #38
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AMY IS A 7year old girl whi lives with her mother
one day in school the teacher gives them an asignment to find out there mothers age hight weight .
so the little girl goes home and askes her mother her age height and weight and her mother will not give her the information .so the little girl keeps buging her but the mother will not give in.this goes on for hours . when the mothers boy friend comes over he hears what is going on and tells the little girl to get her mothers driver lisions all the information is on it .
the mother notices the little girl has'nt bothered her in awhile so she goes to investigate. the little girl is pissed by now. so the mother asked if everything was all wright the little girl says yes .Iknow you weigh 130 lbs 5ft4in tall 27years old and I ALSO KNOW WHY DADDY LEFT YOU
YOU GOT AN F IN SEX!!!!
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Old 02-05-2007, 04:13 PM   #39
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why did the chicken cross the road?
to show the deer how its done
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Old 02-06-2007, 05:44 PM   #40
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George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay, " hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
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