Archery Forums 3DShoots.com
Find Archery Shoots near you  |   Advertise on 3DShoots.com

Go Back   Archery Forums 3DShoots.com > Clubhouse Lounge > Offtopic
 

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 02-28-2007, 06:28 PM   #1
BUNNYMAN
I pray for you!
 
BUNNYMAN's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: the Hutch
Posts: 29,888
BUNNYMAN will become famous soon enoughBUNNYMAN will become famous soon enough
Default some people are just so smart.....

These are ATTORNEY questions taken from a book called Disorder in the American Courts. These are real people answers said in court, word for word, taken down by court recorders and now published by the people who experienced the torment of staying calm while they were recording these actual sentences.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
______ _______________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
___________________________________ _________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
__________________
I cut things up and split them down!
BUNNYMAN is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-28-2007, 08:24 PM   #2
STRO
get'n rid of target panic
 
STRO's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: N. Illinois
Posts: 1,525
STRO is on a distinguished road
Default

Those are good, keep the laughter coming Bowman!!!!!!
__________________
.

Carbon Matrix

Certified NASP Instructor
STRO is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-28-2007, 09:51 PM   #3
brokenarrow
Evil Genius
 
brokenarrow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Hudson Valley NY
Posts: 5,305
brokenarrow is on a distinguished road
Default

Now that's hilarious!!!!!!!!
__________________

brokenarrow is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-28-2007, 09:51 PM   #4
BUNNYMAN
I pray for you!
 
BUNNYMAN's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: the Hutch
Posts: 29,888
BUNNYMAN will become famous soon enoughBUNNYMAN will become famous soon enough
Default

There are three men in the bathroom, two Englishmen and an Australian. All are at the urinals.
The first Englishman zips up and walks over to the sink and uses a lot of soap and water and before he leaves. He says to the others, “In Yorkshire, I learned to be clean and neat.”

The second Englishman zips up, walks over to the sink and uses much less soap and water but is still very clean. He says, “At Bredford Academy, I learned to be clean and neat but still be environmentally aware.”

The third man zips up and heads straight to the door.

The Aussie says over his shoulder, “In Australia, we learn not to piss on our hands.”
__________________
I cut things up and split them down!
BUNNYMAN is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-28-2007, 09:55 PM   #5
BUNNYMAN
I pray for you!
 
BUNNYMAN's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: the Hutch
Posts: 29,888
BUNNYMAN will become famous soon enoughBUNNYMAN will become famous soon enough
Default

Ever since the Bush daughters got into trouble with the law for underage drinking, the President has lectured them constantly about the evils of alcohol. His daughters were tired of having the same conversation week after week, so they finally said, "Okay daddy, we understand about drinking already, but you've never talked about to us about sex."
Getting very upset, W. chided the twins: "Young ladies, we do not use that dirty four-letter word in our home!"
__________________
I cut things up and split them down!
BUNNYMAN is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-28-2007, 10:00 PM   #6
BUNNYMAN
I pray for you!
 
BUNNYMAN's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: the Hutch
Posts: 29,888
BUNNYMAN will become famous soon enoughBUNNYMAN will become famous soon enough
Default

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping out one night. Tonto, after having a very bad dream, woke up to see the stars up above him. He woke the Lone Ranger and said to him, "What you think?" The Lone Ranger replies reassuringly, "Well, Tonto, it's like this, God gives us miracles in life. Each day is a new beginning, just like every night there's a new star in the sky. What do you think?" Tonto looks at him, confused and says, "Tonto thinks someone stole tento."
__________________
I cut things up and split them down!
BUNNYMAN is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-28-2007, 10:03 PM   #7
BUNNYMAN
I pray for you!
 
BUNNYMAN's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: the Hutch
Posts: 29,888
BUNNYMAN will become famous soon enoughBUNNYMAN will become famous soon enough
Default

Once a blonde went to the library to get a book. A few days later, she returns and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so i would like to return it."
The librarian says to the other librarian, "So here is the person who took our phone book!"
__________________
I cut things up and split them down!
BUNNYMAN is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-28-2007, 10:10 PM   #8
BUNNYMAN
I pray for you!
 
BUNNYMAN's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: the Hutch
Posts: 29,888
BUNNYMAN will become famous soon enoughBUNNYMAN will become famous soon enough
Default

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress is cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.
"Are you theowner?"

she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands."No" he replies, "I''m just the manager."

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him."

She asks, running her hands up beyond his ears andinto his hair.

"I''m afraid I can''t," breathes the manager clearly aroused," he''s in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message."

She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."
__________________
I cut things up and split them down!
BUNNYMAN is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 10:40 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Copyright 2004 3DShoots.com