The dissolution/dis-illusion of family
Family is ones first initial building blocks of "mortal" life and how you live. Everyone is born into a family, it is how stable that family is determines what kind of life the children will lead in life. As I type this I am losing my family as I know it and cannot come to accept it, which leads to the real question of is family worth fighting for? I ALWAYS knew it was but how far should 1 fight when there is no reciprocity from their partner, girlfriend,boyfriend, wife or husband. I fought so hard to keep my "family" together my 2 children happy even if it meant sacraficing my own happiness. I have been through the thickest of thick in this relationship and I NEVER ran out on my family, I NEVER ran out on my children. and I NEVER will. This will be the hardest lesson to live, being able to let go of what I have come to accept and love in my own way. At any time I can touch my daughters face or give my son a high 5 as he walks by me and says "I love you daddy" I want to hear that everyday for the rest of my life and see it in their eyes as I wipe tears from my daughters cheeks and comfort her because of the bond that I have built with them. We did not know if Ansley (my daughter) was going to be mine or not, the heartache and emotional torment of being afraid to get to attached only to be let down destroyed me for 9 months. I had to look at a growing belly of the mother of my first child and wonder and pray, pleeeeeeeease god let this baby be mine. After Ansley was born it took me about 3 weeks to finally make that connection and ultimate bond with her. I have been through 3 pregancies 1 of which gave me my son, 1 that gave me my daughter and one just out of pure selfishness, was terminated. STILL I stayed to keep my family together. About a year later she slept with someone else behind my back, I would have thought having an abortion a year prior would be a wakeup call to not be stupid but I was wrong. I have been put in debt, cheated on, hurt, made hollow because of this person, and yet I still want to keep MY family together. Does that make me a man or just plain stupid. I will admit I cheated on her with someone I cant erase that. Mine and Terras relationship has NEVER seemed like a real relationship should, but family IS worth fighting for regardless of whether im happy or not. My children are my world, my life, my blood that runs through my veins, my strength. I lived a large part of my life without children and now I could NEVER live a day without them. I am so sad :''-( I love them so much and this mental anguish is tormenting me to the point of exaustion. I cant eat, I cant sleep, I cant think. My brain is just a piece of shattered glass and im stepping on EVERY piece with bare feet. I wrote in a letter along time ago about my favorite religious story called "Footprints in the Sand" and it said
One night a man had a dream. He dreamed
he was walking along the beach with the LORD.
Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to him, and the other to the LORD.
When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of
his life there was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened at the very
lowest and saddest times in his life.
This really bothered him and he
questioned the LORD about it:
"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow
you, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me."
The LORD replied:
"My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."
Now when I look behind me I cant see ANY footprints and that is destroying everything I am now and ever was. I am lost, the only thing I have in this world with true unconditional meaning is my children. Ones that I have loved and or cared about in the past have either moved on, or just didnt feel I was worth it enough to be with. I always wanted a relationship where I would feel wanted and in turn want the other person to feel and KNOW they were wanted. I dont understand why people at my job say that I am a "Good Man" (What the hell does it mean to be a good man?) yet I have not often experienced what it was to feel wanted by someone else and if so I messed that up. My son and daughter are the ONLY 2 reasons why I am alive and they will always remain to be the only 2 reasons until the day either another baby enters my life, then I will have 3 or something terrible happens to Matthew & Ansley in which Ill just put a bullet in my head and call it a day, THAT EASY. I have so much to offer, I have so much love inside me and my children get it all. I just want that feeling that partnership of being wanted by someone other than my children. I want to feel complete, I want to feel that everything I have strived for will not be for nothing. I want a family, MY family, I want someone to love, I want to be able to show what I am capable of. Maybe thats just not what my destiny is.