Join Date: Mar 2007
The big picture
Why is it sooooo easy for some people to see the big picture and others cant get past their own guilt and past afflictions to want something better, hence the little picture. My big picture is my children, my future with them, their future with me. As some of you may know I am about to fight for custody of both my children. I have an good chance of getting custody but it is up to the judge to see me fit as the better parent. People tell me I should win this custody battle hands down but in all honesty is it really "winning?" if I get custody? My children will not have the life they once knew, I will not have the life I once knew. Terra is only out for self benefit, I am out to be the father that ALLLLLLLL fathers should be but why cant I see the BIG picture through this whole situation? What will happen to my children emotionally, mentally, structurely if she leaves, My son already begs her to stay at times yet she STILL chooses her friends over coming home at night to be close to her own flesh and blood. I go to work at 4am get off at 1pm and from 1pm until I work the next morning I am with my children nonstop and this situation may still not go my way because I have a penis between my legs and from what I was led to understand SC is a womens state. I carried my children while Terra was pregnant maybe not physically but definitaly EMOTIONALLY & MENTALLY. Does that make me not as close to them as her. I had to take a questionairre to be put on their birth certificates and I have been here since day 1, Terra hasnt been, she should have taken that "test" NOT ME. Ansley was harder to have that initial bond with because we didnt know if she was going to be mine or not and I still carried both of them in my heart, body and soul yet they say the maternal bond is stronger. I dont drink, I dont do drugs, I come home to my children EVERYDAY after work unless Im helping a friend with something but I still return home TO THEM. Terra doesnt even come home some nights, she doesnt even call, she stays out drinks, smokes weed and CHOOSES her "freedom" over her own children. She said she was leaving to make HERSELF happy, to make HER future better, she was doing this for HER, where the hell are Matthew & Ansley in that equation yet I could still lose my only happiness that I have because IIIIIIIII AM NOT THEIR MOTHER. I have been mommy and daddy to both of my children as I will continue to be until I die and even then after. I am so afraid to be a single father of 2 children, I am so afraid I may find out that I am not the parent I should be. People say when you are officially faced with that scenario I will KNOW exactly what to do, I have always been strong minded and I cant understand why I am in conflict with myself. If my children are with me they will go to school, do their homework, have little snacks when they get home they will have a LIFE & A FUTURE. My children will be loved and NEVER made second best yet I still feel like I am being consumed by my own guilt and sorrow. Is it so wrong to have wanted a family of my own so bad that it has literally carved a DEEEEP canyon in my head and it seems everything falls into that canyon. I come from an incredible family, my parents have been angels in my corner I can NEVER repay that. I constantly think how terrible it is that I had to move so far away to have the relationship with my father that I always wanted. I am afraid that I may follow that same guideline of what I knew and understood growing up. I never want my children to feel that they have to move away to be closer. My father has been my biggest supporter and I can honestly say friend through this ordeal. He doesnt speak to me like he used to maybe he sees more in me than I see in myself. I cant wait till they move here, that will mean so much to me and my children. I want to be with them every Sunday for dinner with my children. I wanted my children to have that with the family they had here but there is NOTHING I can do about that now. Everyone tells me to just let her dig her own grave and bury herself yet I have this unrelenting urge to keep Terra safe NOT because I want her, NOT because I love her, Not because I am acustomed to her being here it is because SHE is MY childrens mother and to keep them from growing up without a mother I feel I must protect her, when should I give up on her, if she hits rock bottom my children may never see her again either because of death, drugs, alcohol, selfishness, freedom and I dont want that to haunt their dreams when they sleep or come to me and ask me why doesnt mommy love them or whyyyyyyyy doesnt mommy want to see them anymore, how do I answer such a heartbreaking question. She has become so incredibly fake that now when she Matthew tells her he loves her and she says it back she looks at the neighbors to see if they hear it or if they are watching her say it back, she KNOWS the neighbors are supporting me, she KNOWS her family is supporting me, she KNOWS she has NOOOOO LEGS to stand on, maybe she wont even fight for them as MANY people think. I could NEVER not fight for my children, I could NEVER walk away from my children. If the judge asked me if I wanted a paternity test I would say I dont need a test like that to tell me who MY children are EVEN if there was even a piece of a hint that they werent mine biologically, THEY ARE MYYYYYYYY CHILDREN and they will ALWAYS be raised as MYYYYYYYY CHILDREN. IIIII am who those children have, IIIII am their life, their guidance, their structure, their safety, their provider, their stability, their friend, their companion, their unconditional love, their piece of mind, their happiness, THEIR DADDY and when the time comes I WILL BE MOMMY ALSO!!!!!!!!!!! I feel Terra gave up that honor when Matthew begged her to stay home one night and she left anyway to go be with her boyfriend FORGET HER! I have NEVER pawned my kids off on any1 I went out out once in 3 years and she couldnt even stay with them 1 night without finding a babysitter so she could go out also. I have NEVER regretted having children. I used to hear from her that she was no good and she just wanted to give them to me and leave, she said on many occasions she wasnt ready to be a mother and that she should just kill herself, WTF kinda BS is that? I have been honored to be my childrens father since I found out she was pregnant. I will be honored if I ever become a daddy to another child EVEN if that child is not my own. I am the result you get from coming from a STRONG family. My parents raised a MAN who stuck through the THICKEST OF THE THICK,who tried to keep his family together at any cost and NEVER ran away like a coward. Forget ALL of you deadbeat piece of garbage sperm donors AND sperm banks out there you gave up the highest honor in the world, BEING A DADDY OR A MOMMY, FORGET YOU ALLLL!!