As some of you may have read my blogs many months back. My girlfriend of 7years and mother of my 2 children left us for what she called a better life about a year or so ago. I have been through many many emotions and I now have a girlfriend who lives with my children and I and my children adore and I have come to fall in love with. My childrens mother recently started seeing someone and now I have come to learn that he is living with her and her roomate. Terra (my childrens mother) and I get along better NOW than we ever have before and I am trying to understand if it the fact that we are both moving on and that our family will never be as it was or if I am just afraid of being with someone that I care so much about and know that they could just leave or make me believe that they love me and just be lying to my face as Terra did. I am afrais to forget all the pain that I have been through because I never want to repeat the person of who I was that may have drove Terra away but at the same time sometimes the pain is more than I can bare and wish I could forget it all together. If it is the fact that I am jealous do i have ANY right to be, I dont feel that I do but why and how can I love someome so much and be jealous about what my childrens mother is doing. This has been a hard road for my children and it wasnt until I made certain sacrifices for my children that Their mother and I have really come together as friends, better friends than we have ever been even when we were together. I just dont understand why this is hurting me. My life is so much better and my children are happy but I just cant seem to let go of what should have been. This was the last thing I wrote in my story of everything I experienced. I am just a mix of emotions right now that I am trying to figure out. ------------------------------------------------ The final chapter - Seperate ways It has been so long since I have written anything of the events that have happened within my family over the last year. I feel like my life has come just short of a full circle. Terra and I have gone our seperate ways but have remained "Joined" for our children. Lindsay and I have been together for a little over 2 months and everytime I look into her eyes I know and understand why we have to meet the "wrong" people in life to be able to distinguish them from the ones you are meant to be with. It has been such a long year, many emotions, feelings, ups and downs have enriched and destroyed my life many times at the same time. I had forgotten what it was like to be happy, but as I have said before happiness is a bi-product of life because it can be experienced just as fast as it can be taken away as with sadness. It has been said that what doesnt kill you makes you stronger and to a point I believe this but I also feel that the level of pain and sorrow of what is experienced can also numb you to the things that MUST be part of life. I lost my grandfather about a month ago and I felt NOTHING, no pain, no sadness just a slight feeling of regret for not letting him know that I loved him and not talking to him before he left this place to go someplace better. It hurts me to think that I have been through so much sorrow over the last year that I am not feeling the things in the natural order of what NATURE deems to be acceptable. There have been other women in my life since my family was destroyed and none of them have even come close to what I feel for Lindsay, but at the same time happiness comes at a price. Closure is what IIIII believe to be the final chapter in all the events that have been suffered in the series of events that one has suffered. This is the first time in over a year that I have been truly happy and known what it means to love and feel loved for that matter and the price of that is, I KNOW now as I "FELT" before that my family as I knew it will never be as it was. I have someone in my life that I care deep;y about, Terra has found someone new and it is now that I feel closure at its best and worst at the same time. I look back at the pain and sorrow that we BOTH experienced and it hurts to know that it was BOTH of our actions that contributed to the demise of this family. I hope that both of us have learned from our mistakes and we live our lives differently not just for us but for the true reason a family is a family which is our children. I will always have a place in my heart for Terra as I feel that she will have that place in her heart for me, but I now know and understand what it means to be in love with someone. I am in with love Lindsay and I will say it openly for every1 to read. I must remember ALL the sorrows that have been experienced to never walk that road again and to live my life for my family or even better, family to be. I want to remember what it took to get to this point and I FEEEEEEEEL the pain NOW within me with ALL MY HEART. 1 year ago I was a lost soul who watched his family crumble under his feet and now I am becoming a tree, its a small tree but everyday I grow stronger and I feel as though I have more to give. Being a small tree is so much better than being an empty telephone pole with nothing to grow off of it just the same never growing never giving back. I miss my family but everyday I spend with those in my life I care most about my roots get stronger. I thought there was no light at the end of my tunnel of sorrow and I thought there were those who entered my life who were going to be the ones to get me out but it was MEEEEEE and those who truly cared and loved me for the person that I am, good or bad that have put me on my final stretch. There is so much I want for my childrens future, my family's future and my own future. I slowly experiencing what it feels like to feel joy rather than happiness, I believe that when my life comes full circle and I can completely let go of my past is when I will become more powerful than I could ever imagine. This may very well be my last entry in this book that I have wrote from NOTHING short of my heart and EVERYTHING I have felt along the way. I am no longer lost, I am no longer full of the hate that destroyed me from the inside out, I am no longer alone within my mind. I have finally found that mental solace that I desired for so long. It has been so long that I felt what it truly meant to feel alive and I am slowly learning it again day by day. Thank you to all who have read my blogs over the past year, offered their advice and were there when I needed you most. Until I wrote this final blog I thought I had become hollow with no emotion and feeling and now I just see that everything that makes me who I am was just misguided by own pain, sorrow and anguish. Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!