Texas Chili

Discussion in 'Jokes Forum' started by MoSkeeter0311, Oct 17, 2007.

  1. MoSkeeter0311

    MoSkeeter0311 New Member

    750
    1
    0
    Subject: TEXAS CHILI


    TEXAS CHILI
    A young Texas cowboy walks into the town cafe. He sits
    at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms
    folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
    After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at
    it, the young Texas cowboy bravely asked the old
    cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
    The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the
    young Texas wrangler and in his best cowboy manner
    says, "Nah, go ahead."
    Eagerly, the young Texas cowboy reaches over and
    slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning
    in it with delight.
    He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead
    mouse in the chili.
    The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the
    chili into the bowl.
    The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I
    got, too."
     
  2. Holy Smokes

    Holy Smokes Senior Member

    6,721
    14
    0
    Me and tha Queen Bee think this is
    :pound: :pound: :pound: :pound: :pound: :pound: :pound: :pound: :pound:
     

  3. lungcutter

    lungcutter Senior Member

    832
    0
    0
    :doh: I didn't see that coming.:lol:
     
  4. bullspotter

    bullspotter Senior Member

    1,047
    0
    0
    ooohhh now thats just wrong!!!!! :puke:
     
  5. IChim2

    IChim2 IChim2 and he's a shooter

    1,529
    0
    0
    ......:puke: ..............................................................:laugh:
     
  6. bennysupreme

    bennysupreme New Member

    15
    0
    0
    CHILI EATING CONTESTThese are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey and fell into it:
    "Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off. Apparently the original judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.”

    Here are the scorecards from the event:

    Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
    JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

    Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
    JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
    JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
    FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off 3 people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

    Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
    JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
    FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally”. Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift” – she looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. I'm getting ****-faced.

    Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
    JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

    Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
    JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
    JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and 4 people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. The hell with those rednecks!

    Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
    JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
    FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

    Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
    FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, & the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. The heck with it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

    Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
    JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
    FRANK: --------------
    (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
    :lol: :lol: :pound: :pound: :pound: :faint2: :faint2: :faint: :faint:
     
  7. Wheely

    Wheely Wheely Threads

    5,611
    12
    0
    Funny stuff :lol: